I gave in mindlessly to chocolate pb knock off Girl Scout cookies. I ate 8. That's 4 servings. I had already had a good lunch and yet, as I walked into the kitchen I had a craving for chocolate. I knew where Justin hides his cookies. I told myself that I'm probably getting my period soon and completely gave in.
Oliver saw the package and searched inside. His little frown face broke my heart. No cookies for the baby. Mommy ate them all in less than 5 minutes. Mommy hates herself. Mommy wishes she could purge, but nothing works to make me vomit.
I try so hard to follow servings sizes and meal times around the kids, but that restraint comes at the price of secret binges while shopping or while standing in the kitchen where they can't see me. I get fast food when no one is with me, maybe that's why I hate shopping alone.
Tuesday, February 27, 2018
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
I'm having a drowning day
It's mid-February. A notoriously bad time for me. My S.A.D. is in it's glory, even with my meds. I'm also frustrated with Justin and starting my period, so hormones are running rampant. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
We got 8 inches of snow by 10am today. My children are happily home and glued to tablets. I am feeling trapped and unappreciated. My husband never shovels. My husband does not do dishes. My husband does not take out trash until I ask him to. My husband does not feed the pets or clean a litter box. My husband does not do laundry, though he'll berate me if he doesn't have work clothes. My husband is on his playstation from the time he gets up to the time moment before he has to go to work (bitching about how late he's going to be the entire time). He plays the moment he gets home. To have adult conversation, I have to interrupt him.
I tried to talk to women at Evelyn's gymnastics last week. They walked away.
My mother. I was planning a weekend trip to her house. She said she was available. Then, last night, she told me she will not help me keep my phone. She will not allow me to put another on her plan unless I have the $600 to buy it. No warning. We've been talking about this for weeks. I guess it's time, but the painful part is that that's all she talked about. I told her Gabriel still wanted to come down. Silence. I told her we want to meet her new dogs. Silence. There's nothing so painful as your mother snubbing you and hinting that you're not welcome.
So, I feel more strongly than ever the desire to move to Raleigh. Tonya has been pushing hardcore. Lecturing me about how Justin will never do it unless I make him. Lecturing. Lecturing. Lecturing. Not talking to me when I tell her we need to wait. Scolding me when I tell her we have a longterm plan. She says Justin wants time to talk me out of it. She says Justin won't ever truck. She says we're going to be poor no matter what. No faith. No support. Only demands.
I am isolated no only physically, but also mentally. I have one friend and she can only visit once a month, always bringing her very loud, one-track-minded husband with. They don't see how redneck they are. They don't see the systemic racism flowing in their thoughts and conversation. They don't see Jazmine's behaviors. I'm done pointing them out.
I find myself trying to draw out conversations with the clerks at the Dollar Tree. I find myself wanting to talk with Evelyn's therapists. They give me this look that makes me realize I'm going fucking stir crazy and that my solution is not through them.
I feel that Raleigh will end my isolation. There are 14 OA meetings in the area. There are secular homeschool groups, atheist clubs, vegetarian meetups, an active UU church, free parks and museums, warm weather year round. There is a fitness center that would admittedly cost $250/month... however that includes the gym, swimming pool (3 of them), language classes, gymnastics, dance, music, and homeschool gym time. There is 2 hours of daycare each day that I can use to workout or swim laps. There is a free trainer and dietician. Between Evie's current gymnastics and piano class, we are already paying $95/mo. If we add in a membership to the YMCA, that will jump to $155/mo. And no pool or language or other classes. If we pursued dance in our area, that cost skyrockets to $220/mo. And still no pool or language or crafts and whatever else they are offering that month.
The parks are expansive with state of the art playgrounds and hiking trails and dog parks. The museums are free and offer classes with animals and science experiments. The homeschool groups are active and plentiful. The houses are wellbuilt and modern with fireplaces and high ceilings and lockable pantries and fenced yards. I really want to be there.
We got 8 inches of snow by 10am today. My children are happily home and glued to tablets. I am feeling trapped and unappreciated. My husband never shovels. My husband does not do dishes. My husband does not take out trash until I ask him to. My husband does not feed the pets or clean a litter box. My husband does not do laundry, though he'll berate me if he doesn't have work clothes. My husband is on his playstation from the time he gets up to the time moment before he has to go to work (bitching about how late he's going to be the entire time). He plays the moment he gets home. To have adult conversation, I have to interrupt him.
I tried to talk to women at Evelyn's gymnastics last week. They walked away.
My mother. I was planning a weekend trip to her house. She said she was available. Then, last night, she told me she will not help me keep my phone. She will not allow me to put another on her plan unless I have the $600 to buy it. No warning. We've been talking about this for weeks. I guess it's time, but the painful part is that that's all she talked about. I told her Gabriel still wanted to come down. Silence. I told her we want to meet her new dogs. Silence. There's nothing so painful as your mother snubbing you and hinting that you're not welcome.
So, I feel more strongly than ever the desire to move to Raleigh. Tonya has been pushing hardcore. Lecturing me about how Justin will never do it unless I make him. Lecturing. Lecturing. Lecturing. Not talking to me when I tell her we need to wait. Scolding me when I tell her we have a longterm plan. She says Justin wants time to talk me out of it. She says Justin won't ever truck. She says we're going to be poor no matter what. No faith. No support. Only demands.
I am isolated no only physically, but also mentally. I have one friend and she can only visit once a month, always bringing her very loud, one-track-minded husband with. They don't see how redneck they are. They don't see the systemic racism flowing in their thoughts and conversation. They don't see Jazmine's behaviors. I'm done pointing them out.
I find myself trying to draw out conversations with the clerks at the Dollar Tree. I find myself wanting to talk with Evelyn's therapists. They give me this look that makes me realize I'm going fucking stir crazy and that my solution is not through them.
I feel that Raleigh will end my isolation. There are 14 OA meetings in the area. There are secular homeschool groups, atheist clubs, vegetarian meetups, an active UU church, free parks and museums, warm weather year round. There is a fitness center that would admittedly cost $250/month... however that includes the gym, swimming pool (3 of them), language classes, gymnastics, dance, music, and homeschool gym time. There is 2 hours of daycare each day that I can use to workout or swim laps. There is a free trainer and dietician. Between Evie's current gymnastics and piano class, we are already paying $95/mo. If we add in a membership to the YMCA, that will jump to $155/mo. And no pool or language or other classes. If we pursued dance in our area, that cost skyrockets to $220/mo. And still no pool or language or crafts and whatever else they are offering that month.
The parks are expansive with state of the art playgrounds and hiking trails and dog parks. The museums are free and offer classes with animals and science experiments. The homeschool groups are active and plentiful. The houses are wellbuilt and modern with fireplaces and high ceilings and lockable pantries and fenced yards. I really want to be there.
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