We Need to Move

I'm not sure what the problem is, but Justin and I can't make friends no matter what we try.  I made a real attempt to get out into the world these past few months.  I chat with strangers, I am super nice to other people's children, I even invited a bunch of strangers over for E's 5th birthday.  All seemed to have a good time.  They ate, they played, they giggled, they chatted with everyone else.  It was a nice party.  And then I find that the mother of E's new bestie unfriended and blocked me soon after the party.  We have seen each other twice since then, at gymnastics class, and she was friendly and agreeable to future playdates.  The girls still enjoy talking and playing together.  I have no clue....

Justin has repeatedly tried to invite fellow gamers over from the mill.  Months of invitations and "yes" RSVPs and yet no-shows every single time.  I slave making cute snacks and brunch spreads and buying liquor for specialty mixed drinks... and we are alone every single time.

Gabe is feeling the strain too.  His only friend suddenly moved one day.  It's got him in such a funk that Justin and I were called to the school this week because he was sobbing and talking of "ending it all" with a pocket knife when he got home.  They almost institutionalized him!

My mother-in-law is cold and distant.  And when she's not, she's rude and argumentative.  My mother flip flops between supportive and open to aloof and distant.  My sister is a black hole of booze and self hatred that I abhore having around my children.  Val is a good friend, but I fear the unresolved mental issues of her husband are going to drag her down into the dirt.  I can tell when he's got something going on because she avoids me for weeks.

All in all....  I just think we need to move.  Raleigh is my first choice but it's expensive and would require Justin to change careers.  Second choice would be a nice forest town in Virginia or Oregon.  Maybe Colorado.  I don't know.  We are just not the right redneck, gun-obsessed, Trump-loving, do-anything-for-Jesus flavor of person for this area.

I hate my diet

My diet is not making me happy. Gabriel and I started a 1700 calorie day on March 27th.  We have had 2 official cheat days and 1 unofficial.  I also had two alcohol binges while on vacation in NC.  So, I have gone overboard 5x in 4 weeks.  That is pitiful and I hate myself for the lack of dedication and discipline.  

For the past two days, no matter how much I eat, I am completely unsatisfied. I want all the food in the house.  I swear I'm worse than Gabe and he has a legit medical binging disorder.

I want greasy fries and a banana split dripping with chocolate sauce. I want caramel cheesecake. I want a giant bowl of mashed potatoes and tofurky. I want to eat one gosh darn thing that isn't "light" or "sugar free".

I really want to quit, especially after gaining back 7lbs out of the blue. I assume it's normal rebounding as I am pretty sure a good chunk of that initial 15lb loss (in 3 weeks) was water.

I want to eat whatever I want whenever I want it. I am pissed and sad and cranky. The food addict in me is screaming and stabbing and whispering in my ear.  Gabriel would never know.  He's at school all day.  I could binge when Justin goes to work and before Gabriel gets home... but it would kill me inside.  I am trying to stay strong for my kiddo.  For all of them, really.  They need their mother.

But part of me doesn't care.  I want to eat until I'm immobile.  I want to eat until paid nurses have to come flip me to prevent bed sores.  I want to eat until I'm on life support and then still be smuggling in chocolate.  I want to fill a bus with food and rent a cabin and hide away for a month eating everything.  If I die up there, oh well.  

I want food.  I want food.  

I want it.