My diet is not making me happy. Gabriel and I started a 1700 calorie day on March 27th. We have had 2 official cheat days and 1 unofficial. I also had two alcohol binges while on vacation in NC. So, I have gone overboard 5x in 4 weeks. That is pitiful and I hate myself for the lack of dedication and discipline.
For the past two days, no matter how much I eat, I am completely unsatisfied. I want all the food in the house. I swear I'm worse than Gabe and he has a legit medical binging disorder.
I want greasy fries and a banana split dripping with chocolate sauce. I want caramel cheesecake. I want a giant bowl of mashed potatoes and tofurky. I want to eat one gosh darn thing that isn't "light" or "sugar free".
I really want to quit, especially after gaining back 7lbs out of the blue. I assume it's normal rebounding as I am pretty sure a good chunk of that initial 15lb loss (in 3 weeks) was water.
I want to eat whatever I want whenever I want it. I am pissed and sad and cranky. The food addict in me is screaming and stabbing and whispering in my ear. Gabriel would never know. He's at school all day. I could binge when Justin goes to work and before Gabriel gets home... but it would kill me inside. I am trying to stay strong for my kiddo. For all of them, really. They need their mother.
But part of me doesn't care. I want to eat until I'm immobile. I want to eat until paid nurses have to come flip me to prevent bed sores. I want to eat until I'm on life support and then still be smuggling in chocolate. I want to fill a bus with food and rent a cabin and hide away for a month eating everything. If I die up there, oh well.
I want food. I want food.
I want it.
