Facebook

I got banned from FB for 24 hours yesterday.  Not me, some drama between a woman and her mother-in-law.  MIL reported all this woman's friends (who were posting rightly deserved sympathy about her husband's selfishness) for "hate speech". 

I got depressed.  Crazy frustrated.  Over Facebook.  Or a lack of Facebook. 

I logged on this morning out of habit, even though I couldn't interact with anything.  This first post was from the local MMA center.  They have a weight loss challenge each spring.  The Biggest Loser.  I don't mind the name.  It was a reality show back in the 2000s and I don't get triggered by that.  What bothered me was the tagline they used this morning. 

"Feeling gross?"

And yeah, I know people say that.  I know I've said it.  But having this place, some of the staff I know in real life and look up to (okay, maybe mini-stalked for a moment before I realized she's just a person and if we were meant to me friends it would have happened by now).  I'm in a fragile place right now and when I read that, if felt like these people I admire were telling me I am gross. 

Bothered me. 

That's when it occured to me...  I think Facebook is a bit toxic.  I don't think I ever feel GOOD when using it.  I don't ever come away feeling warm and happy.  I mean, silly dog videos are fun, but I can get those elsewhere.  I only ever come away from Facebook upset, offended, or feeling smug.  I feel better than the other moms who have filthy houses in the backgrounds of their kid's pictures.  I feel superior to the mom who is asking for woo-ish advice for their kid's fever when really, they just need to call urgent care.  Even my OA groups are just full of people admitting defeat or expressing grief.  It is emotionally draining!

I may only post in my co-op and other pages/groups and leave the rest alone. 

Try a FB-free January?  Maybe?  I hope.  The addiction is real.  It's like gambling.  You just keep scrolling hoping to read something or watch something that is worth the time you've just spent on the app.  And the longer you spend, the more you scroll and search, desperate for something worthy of you.  It never comes. 

I Fell Short

I found an amazing, perfect job.  We are drowning in financial troubles and everything we seem to do to try and fix it makes it worse.  I applied for a USPS driving position.  The office manager wanted me.  I scored perfect on all the tests, the background checks, the fingerprinting, and my husband's new truck is the perfect vehicle to drive (locking truck bed for large items, safety light on top, high off the ground, massive tires...)

The final step was to get drug tested.  They sent me the instructions on Tuesday and I promptly filled it out.  They gave me Nov 26-29th to get it done.  The 26th was the day of our homeschool coop and the lab closed at 4pm.  I could not get there.  The 27th was Thanksgiving prep and the lab closed at noon.  I could not get there.  The 28th was Thanksgiving.  The lab was closed.  The 29th was black friday and my MIL was staying with us for the weekend.  The lab was open, but I could not get there.  Well, I probably could have, but between the snow storm and having a house guest, I simply didn't go.  I really didn't think they would refuse to give me another test date. 

I called the company that schedules for USPS and they agreed to give me another test date.  It was monday and I raced right out and did it.  I called the office manager to let her know I had done it.  She seemed relieved.  Saturday I got an email stating that the job offer was rescinded.  I emailed back but was ignored.  I called the office and she wouldn't take my call.

I was so excited for this job.

This job was going to lift us out of poverty.

This job was a stepping stone to Raleigh (our 2021 goal). 

This job was pride, usefulness, and me having a purpose other than stay at home mom. 

This was car repairs and loan payments. 

This was daycare for my kids so they could improve their speech and social skills. 

SO MUCH WAS RIDING ON THIS.

and now I have been suicidal for weeks. 


but it's fucking christmas and i can't tell anyone this. 

justin blames me. 

he told everyone at his work that it was my fault

we had sex one night, the kind where only he enjoyed it and then rolled over leaving in a sticky gross puddle.  and the next mornign told me it was my fault

i don't know how to fix this

i don't know how to heal from this

i feel like every thing in our lives is my fault

we took out loans and every single time it was my fault

the van was because i NEEDED a vehicle and wanted something big, something updated (the dvd player and automatic doors)

the truck was because I had spent the tax return on a cruise

the loan my mother gave me to pay off the shed and lighten our load went to a trip to Raleigh and a bunch of shopping.

I went way over budget for christmas.

i made justin spend the christmas money his family gave him on stuff for parties and the kids. 



how do you live when its all your fault?

when even your closest friends can't stand to be around you?

I Stopped Journaling and It was a Disaster!

I don't even know the last time I typed a message here.  Probably back when I was still actively working on myself.  I stopped and it was horrible.  I snap at my kids, I forget to take my meds, I'm missing appointments, I'm eating all the time, I'm drinking all the time.  I can't stop working on me.  It is going to kill me.

Currently, I am struggling with perfectionism and raising children.  I obsess over giving them the perfect childhood.  Travel, education, music, skills, sports, experiences, perfect holidays, friends, no boundaries between themselves and thier parents.  It is unobtainable.  I am killing myself and as Gabriel is nearing adulthood, I am racked with guilt over everything I didn't give him.  I'm trying to make it up now, but he just wants to do his own thing.  He's 16.  That's probably normal. 

So, I'm doubling down on the littles but when I can't do something perfectly, I sink into depression and obsession and nothing gets done.  100 half finished projects on my desk.  We haven't schooled since the trip (we went to the caribbean and as wonderful as it was, because I can't reproduce it several times a year to give them a golden childhood, I am depressed.). 

The small survivor in me has a bunch of idea for moving forward, but the depression is a giant wet blanket.  it's hard to move, it's hard to plan, it's hard to finish anything or make it out of the house.  food tastes bad, but I still eat tons of it. 

I made a Fridge Poster

This is to help my son and I make better choices if hunger strikes between meals.

While between meal snacks are no longer a requirement of my food plan, they are allowed if needed.

Revelations

First, I read something while in an OA board the other day.  A man said that he was "addicted to more".  I think that's me. 

I always take extras of toys, snacks, food, drinks, entertainment, etc everywhere I go.  Also, my personality and hobbies.  I am always so extra.  That has settled a bit as I'm nearing middle age, but it will always be a part of me.

Other revelations include spacing my meds out.  By taking my Wellbutrin just before meals, I find that I eat smaller amounts and don't feel the need for snacks between.  I am hoping it's my meds anyway, I have been very busy this week and it helped to keep my mind off of food and on exercise and activities.  

A third revelation was that I eat disturbingly fast when the kids are around.  They beg my attention, fight, climb on me, ask for drinks or seconds before I have even gotten a bite in.  In response, I shovel.  And that leads to no satisfaction,  no tasting my meal, and not being able to feel when I'm done so I just keep eating.   Tonight, I caught myself literally holding my plate up and away from Evelyn as she climbed on me and got in my face. 

I CAN love my children but have solid boundaries.  I CAN pace myself and be in touch with my body even when the day is busy and long.

Video Blogging

I began working on a video project for a family member 2 weeks ago and have gotten more comfortable with talking at my phone.   I have been insired by other vloggers to perhaps try some of that here, on this journey. 

What Happened?

My mother's longest relationship, that I can remember, was with a man named Billy.  My introduction to him was that a strange dog woke me up while I was sleeping in my bed.  We did not own a dog. 

I scrambled to tell my mother about the dog only to find this strange man laying where she should have been.  She lifted her head long enough to tell me it was Billy's dog and to nevermind it.  I didnt even know my mom was dating someone.  She had never mentioned him and was always working, so she had either met him and slept with him that night (no judgement!) or had been leaving us home alone while going out.  I don't  know why this guy brought his dog over on a date??

Anyway, before I knew it we moved in with this man.  Changed schools.  I was miserable.  My brother got sick.  Really sick.  I had to go to his classroom and ask for his homework.  I ws in 2nd grade. 

I was stung by wasps.  I was ridiculed by family.  I was rejected.  I watched my first too-scary-to-look movie.  I started wetting the bed.  I tried to run away twice.  I tried to walk across a frozen lake to get away.  I had nightmares of the house being on fire and I went to my mother and screamed to wake her up but had no voice.  I had an inappropriate baby sitter who brought her boyfriend around whenever my mom was gone.  My only "escape" was to visit Pasty's house where her abusive boyfriend beat her with a sword in front of us and we were told to go outside all day long.  Where her friends told us they were going to play a Halloween game and turned out all the lights in the house and threw blankets over our heads and shook us, screamed at us, separated us, shut us in different rooms.  

My mom sent me away one summer.  Why would she do that if things were fine?  I was in 2nd grade, 7 years old, and I took a sudden interest in sex.  I remember my cousin and I touching each other.  That is WAY TOO YOUNG. 

I gained a startling amount of weight between 2nd and 3rd grade.  None of my clothes fit.  My glasses left dents in the sides of my head because I ballooned up so fast. 

I am having a hard time starting

I need to get back into my awesome habit of calorie tracking, OA meetings, and exercise.  I try.  Every day I have the excitement and urge to be that person again.  Even dropping those 30lbs gave me such confidence and my body felt better.

I am stuck in the stage where all my OA stuff sounds stupid and my son won't partner up this time and I binge eat all evening.  I feel sad and let down every day.  I get angry and my self talk is nasty.  I am so mean to myself!  And then I'm mean to my kids.  It's a bad cycle.

I focus my day on all the things I cant have, pout over small portions, and am drowning. 

I have a goal.  I truly think it's achievable.   But I sabotage myself every damn time.

Evidence of Being a Super Fatty

I can't believe how large I am.  Even with my 28lb loss last summer, I am still bursting out of my clothes.  I take up an entire sofa.  I can't zipper 3xl coats.  It's better than it was.  I hear that.  I understand that my 24w pants fit now.  But then I see photos like these (taken at MOPS Christmas party) and I feel disgusted and ashamed all over again.