Reset

I am not satisfied with my sponsor.  She nit picked my Plan of Eating and I slipped into complete diet mode.  Weighing my food and focusing on it so much completely screwed me up.  I am returning to my normal 3 plates/3 portioned snacks plan.

I am also telling Cathy goodbye.  She brought some things to my attention, but I don't feel a strong connection and she works from a books I don't own and has a perspective I can't align with.  I need to feel my pain so that I can process it.  I can't just blink it away and focus on now.  That's what causes the eating. 

I don't know if I have the guts to tell her I'm moving on today, but I will have to soon.  I have not logged food nor spoken to her in days and I've lost 4lbs. 

She DID remind me that I need a Plan of Action (exercise) and I am working on that as I will need to include the children. 

The Time I Wanted My Rapist to 'Hurry Up' So I Could Get on With My Day

I was not raped in this instance.  I want to say that up front.  This whole thing was me.

I was 18, living in Pittsburgh with no money.  I had a boyfriend who actively tormented me in a million ways, until his real girlfriend came to town.  It was those times he'd send me home for the week to starve in my apartment with my 4 pieces of furniture.  I would listen to U2 and Alanis Morissette and wait for him to message me, again.

On the ride home, once, the bus driver was older and took a wrong turn.  I knew it was a wrong turn as I'd been on this route a hundred times.  But, I thought, I'll just get off the bus whereever and try to walk home, no matter the distance.  And why did I think that?  Why didn't I tell him straight away?  I'd paid for the ride.  I knew he was wrong.  But I sat there and let the mistake unfold at my own cost.

At some point he realized his mistake and turned down a narrow street in order to turn around.  While backing the massive bus up, he hit a telephone pole.  He looked up at me in the overhead mirror and said "Oops." in this awkward way that made my skin crawl.  He parked the bus and undid his seat belt.

At this point, I considered that he may try to rape me.  And my immediate thought was that I should just let him so that he will drive me the rest of the way home.  Not that I should call for help.  Not that I should fight back.  Not that I should run away.  I should just lay there in exchange for a ride home.

Of course, nothing like that happened.  He stepped out of the bus and asked a guy to help him turn the bus around.  He corrected the route and dropped me off just a few minutes later than usual.

Why would I think so little of myself?  Why would my go-to response be to lie there and not make a fuss?  Why would I think it worth a ride home to be obedient while a man violates me?

I need therapy. 

I Hate Waking Up

My body is so stiff.  I waddle and weave, my stomach catching on the corner of the dresser.  I can't lift Oliver, my back is so stiff and compressed.  I see the way these 600lb women have to shift and build up momentum to get out of bed and I'm exactly the same.  I sometimes think it would be better if I didn't wake up.

Ugh!  What am I saying?  I have a family to take care of.  I have so much to live for... and yet I was googling  how often I could use ipecac to puke up binges without damaging my heart TOO MUCH.

I don't want to eat, but at the same time I can't wait.  Eggs with cheeseand peppers.  Buttered toast.  Creamy coffee. 

And then the day will devolve into snacks and sandwiches and soda and chips and chocolate....and then dinner... and then night snack and bedtime snacks and drinks.  I can't get away.

The Growl Won

So, I let my stomach growl what I feel, and everyone I talk to does too, is a FAKE hunger.  It fake growled for over 3 hours while I sipped water or coffee trying to make it stop.  I finally gave in 20 minutes before dinner was done.  I ate about 20 lightly salted chips with the last of the dill dip. 

I AM SO ANGRY AT MY DISEASE!!!!  FUCKING TANTRUM BULLSHIT. 

I made a huge stock pot of vegetable soup tonight.  Beans, tomatoes, cabbage, peas, corn, carrots, celery, peppers, veggie broth, margarine, and an entire box of curly pasta.  I ate 2 bowls of it.  That was 1 hour and 15 minutes ago.

MY STOMACH JUST GROWLED AGAIN.

It's going to kill me.  This disease is evil and nasty.  It lies.  It steals my life.  I hate it.

A Normal Day's Calories

I wrote up what would be a normal eating day for me before the OA program.  This does NOT include the bites I would steal of things I pass in the kitchen, or while cooking, or seconds on meals. 

The calorie total was 5,213 Calories Per Day!!!

My dietician suggested 1,200 per day. 

Food Made Me Feel Safe

I'm watching My 600 lb Life and have completely identified with the story of Brittani.  She begins to see a therapist and the doctor points out that food made her feel safe as a child. 

And something in me screamed, "Yes!"

When you are 4 and 5 and 6 years old, there is only food when someone who loves you is with you.  Mom is home.  You are clean and not alone.  You are safe and loved. 

I think I'm still chasing that.  It isn't hard to imagine that learning to cook on the stove at 8yo was probably an attempt to feel safe when I was cornered by a terrible sitter or all alone in the summer. 

The things that happened to me should never have happened.  It is not okay that I was alone and abused and made to put on a happy face to hide all of that.  I'm sorry little girl.  I'm sorry you were hurt and no one knew and no one fixed it.

It's not okay and as an adult, I can now start to open back up and face those fears, those monsters, that pain. 

I don't need food to feel safe.  I am old enough to defend and protect myself. 

Food Journal 1/26/17

I have altered my Plan of Eating.  Instead of 3 meals and 3 snacks, I am eating 6 mini meals at my leisure throughout the day. 

This stops me from worrying about the next plate, the next bowl.  I'm not counting minutes because I know I can have my next if I want it. 

#1. 2 eggs w/colbyjack, English muffin w/margarine, coffee

#2.  2 pickles, 1 string cheese

(No photo)

#3.  Mock-Bacon, lettuce, mayo sandwich on wheat bread; iced tea

#4.  Popcorn, no butter

#5.  Skillet "pizza" (no crust/sauce) w/ mock steak strips, cherry tomatoes, & bell peppers; trail mix

#6.  More of the same popcorn

Standing on the Sidelines

I have been researching, toying around with, attending a few meetings, telling people about, and thumbing through the AA Big Book for almost 3 months.  I have a sponsor, but I'm not sure it's a good fit.  I have done zero step work. 

There is a 9:30 am OA meeting in Rocky Grove.  Like an hour away.  I'm thinking of going so that I can try and find a local sponsor.  Cathy is a solid 5, but I need a 8 or higher.  I need to get mad at a sponsor for being there too much. 

I have thought of finding a local open AA meeting, but they are all in the evening and I am alone in the evenings.   :(

In any case, I need to dive into OA now.  I am ready. 

Trigger Foods

So, I swore up and down that I had no trigger foods, but there may be a few.

I have a hard time saying no to boxed macaroni & cheese.  I compulsively buy it.  I cook it for my toddlers knowing full well that they don't like it and will only pick at it, thereby allowing me to consume the leftovers. 

Chip/Veggie dip.  I often make my own (1pt sour cream + 1pt mayo + spices) and so don't understand where the craving is coming from as I don't add sugar and while I know dairy has some, there are other things that I eat with MUCH higher naturally occurring sugar content.  In any case, if I have it in the house, I eat it until an entire 12oz container has been compromised.  Often with pretzel sticks, tortilla chips, or chopped raw veggies.

I can have sweets like cake or pie in the house, but it must be out of sight.  I left an apple pie alone in the refrigerator for so long that I was certain it had gone bad and tossed it (yay, me!)  I'm not actually sure on the cake thing.  I have a dozen tequila cupcakes in the freezer right now and zero desire to pull them out and thaw for later eating... but if there were a coconut Pepperidge Farm cake on the counter, I would (and have) eaten the entire thing in one sitting.

Small candy bars are just gonna be a NO.  I can leave them alone with a bit of luck, but once I start I can eat about 10 Mr. Goodbars. 

Food Journal 1/24/17

Went back to sleep after my 6am van routine with Gabriel.  I'm just drained lately.  Lots of back pain. 

Seasonal depression?  Emotional rut?  Panic attack?  PMS?  No freakin' clue.  

BREAKFAST : Cranberry shredded wheat w/unsweetened almond milk; coffee w/creamer

SNACK:  NONE

LUNCH:  Provolone sandiwich on wheat w/mayo & lettuce; bbq chips

 

 

SNACK:  Fun Sized Snickers (4 pictured but only 2 eaten, Ollie wanted them)

 

 

SNACK (extra):  BBQ chips

 

 

DINNER: Skillet Taco Pasta w/mock beef, salsa, sweet corn, cheddar, & sour cream; water

 

Accountabilitiy

I actively chose NOT to log my food yesterday.  I needed a bit of a reset.  I realized that I had started lying to my self because I was having to send the links to my sponsor at night. 

Accountability:

In addition to the foods posted on Sunday (1/22) I included almost all of a cupcake in my snack.  I grabbed it because I thought I NEEDED IT, but in the end it didn't taste good and I couldn't eat all of it.  I also had a second helping of potato chips with dinner.  I did NOT have a snack that night because I was punishing myself. 

On Monday, (1/23) I ate 3-4 times the amount of peanutbutter crackers shown in the photo of my evening snack.

On Tuesday, (1/24) I ate 1/4 of an entire Lemon Cream pie.  I don't know when.  I woke up Wednesday and remember opening the pie and taking a bite.  Nothing else. 

I had been hiding those things from my sponsor.  She doesn't check in often, so I feel like I can slide by.  Turns out, I can't.  This is MY recovery, not hers.  She will NOT be with me or available at all times.  She will not be better at this or wiser.  She will not be unshakable.  She will not be infallible.  She will not always recognize a crisis if I lie and say I'm fine. If I don't like something she has told me to do, I need to tell her.  If I don't have a material or free time to work a step, I need to tell her.  If I have a good day, I need to tell her. 

Honesty.  Communication.  And giving up control.  These need to be my supports, right now. 

Writings to Transcribe

My first assignment was to read the NABB first chapter and identify why I am an addict.  I need to transcribe these pages and send to my sponsor, tomorrow.

Food Journal 1/23/17

I am exhausted, emotionally drained, and off schedule.  I am on the outs with my best friend, my sister is drinking AGAIN, and my mom's PTSD got complicated yesterday.  I'm not in a good place.

I reached out to my support group today, read my AABB, and even took a nap to avoid a binge, but I still did it.  Felt too ashamed to eat dinner, so skipped that.  

BREAKFAST : 2 Eggs w/swiss, tomato, spinach; coffee

SNACK : veggies, dill dip, green tea

COFFEE: Sponsor suggested a switch to SF creamer. 

LUNCH: Mini pizzas w/salad, 2 oreos (not shown)

POST NAP BINGE: Lightly salted chips, dip, 6 oreos

DINNER : none

SNACK: PB on crackers

Food Journal 1/22/17

On the go!  Potluck lunch with friends then a check in on Mom.  4 hours in the car... ugh.

BREAKFAST : 2 Eggs w/swiss, tomato, spinach; Coffee w/creamer; wedge of melon

SNACK : Water and 4 dried orange segments

LUNCH : pasta w/tomatoes sauce; pb cookie, cheese cubes, fruit

SNACK: 2 tbsp cheese spread and 5 crackers, green tea drink, tylenol 

DINNER : Veggie burger, lightly salted chips (1oz), dill dip

Potluck Prep

Food Journal 1/21/17

Women's march, Pamper Chef party, and spent the whole day in town.  Meals were all off schedule and odd.

BREAKFAST: Lemon pie and a latte (left last bite on plate for 30 minutes of conversation  and still didn't eat before leaving)

LUNCH: Lettuce & cheese w/ranch, beer bread (only ate half), coffee

SNACK: two donut holes, 15 chips, water

SNACK: donut hole & string cheese

DINNER: macaroni & cheese w/peas

SNACK: 10 chips

A Share Helped Me

I love the idea of OA and think it will be my best helper.  But the Higher Power stuff makes me curl.  I bounce between "I think I'm an Atheist" and "Maybe".  I'm trying to use the program to guide a lot of things in my life right now.  Do for others and be selfless has been a big thing.  And the honesty.  I don't offer lipservice these days.  I think it saves a lot of headaches in the end. 

Anyway,  tonight in meeting, someone said that they had found hope in the Big Book's idea that "we've tried every other way and perhaps it's time to try a new way".  She said that she was a control freak and know-it-all (hmmmm, remind you of anyone?  LOL), but that Logic and Reason had not worked for her.  She decided to try something else.  She decided to slow down and start to listen.  She was listening for the small voice of the divine.  She said that it did come.  That it did start to make sense and that when she let go of control in her life, the good things started to come and from odd places.

I think of Petey sometimes.  I hear about all the horrible things she did when she was drinking.  But I look at her now and she is humble, she has the best luck, and she is surrounded by loved ones.  She found a good and flexible job.  She was given a newly remodeled house and recently handed a free washer and dryer.  It did come with self-sacrifice.  She had to walk away from her boyfriend and move to a strange place.  She did lose her sister and brother to their own diseases.  But she talks a lot about journaling, about listening to god, about doing what is right even if she doesn't want to.  Discipline. 

I need to find my HP.  If not God, then simply trust that the world will be there to help me.  Trust in humanity.  Trust that what I need will come if I just stop trying to control it all.  In light of the inauguration today, I suppose we all need that more than ever. 

Food Journal 1/20/17

Trump sucks.  I had an extra helping at lunch, but then thought that maybe that could just count as dinner.  I don't know if this works that way...

BREAKFAST: 3 eggs w/swiss,  spinach, and tomato; English muffin; Coffee w/creamer 

SNACK: Coffee w/creamer 

LUNCH: Rice, mock-beef gravy; Butternut Squash w/feta, garlic, and cranberries

SNACK: Peanut M&Ms (1.5oz)

DINNER (or seconds at lunch): Rice with mock-beef gravy

 

SNACK:  Apple slices and Muenster cheese cubes, water

Food Journal 1/19/17

Happy birthday, Mom!

My sponsor got in touch with me about mid-day today to touch base.  She wanted to make sure I'm going to meetings.  I have two online ones I bounce between.  I like them both for different reasons.  Anyway, my Sponsor said that she'd like to see a food log of some kind for each day.

I hate to measure.  It takes me back to the gazillion diets and the monotony of MFP.  Instead, I am going to continue to take a photo of things before consuming them.

I did not take photos of breakfast or lunch, but did eat them.

BREAKFAST: 2 Eggs w/swiss, spinach, & tomato; Coffee w/creamer, 1 segment of Oliver's Orange

SNACK: skipped, we were at the dentist (although I almost took a bite of Evelyn's string cheese snack but stopped myself as I realized it was waiting room boredom/anxiety and not hunger provoking me)

LUNCH: Iceburg lettuce salad w/tomato, onion, cheddar cheese, croutons & ranch; Water

SNACK:  Coffee w/creamer

DINNER:  Long-grain rice, mock-beef gravy, steamed corn, water

SNACK: 1 oz bbq chips (which my kids stole from me anyway!)

Lunchline Trauma

Back in junior high (they call it middle school here in PA and that drives me crazy!), every day in the lunch line I was bullied.  People would cut in front of me and then tell me that it was okay because I didn't need to eat anyway.  "You got more rolls than a bakery, already!"  People would pinch their nose and point to me.  They would carry on with not-so-subtle jokes at my expense for the entire 20 minute wait in line. 

The other unbearable thing was hearing about happy home lives.  Vacations, boyfriends, football games, and people generally living fun normal teenaged lives.  I didn't have that.  I couldn't relate to that.  It made me feel like I did not belong there.  And they were telling me that I didn't.  And they, the cool kids, the better kids, were telling me that my fat belly was the exact reason why I didn't belong.  But it still growled.  School lunch was always the first meal of the day and I wanted it. 

At one point, I devised a plan.  I would sit in the cafeteria until the line died down and then I would slip into the end of the line and get my food in peace.  I would eat alone and then be one of the last out of the room, which was another bonus as I didn't have to wait in line to return my tray or get pushed trying to exit the room. 

It lasted about 3 days.  Then the principal noticed me getting into line so late in the hour.  He was heavy set guy with a grey beard and glasses.  He was a semi father figure at the time.  The year before, he had pulled me into his office for a few hours to talk about my homelife and not having a father.  He showed up at a few of my Girl Scout meetings to teach us all about tools.  At that point in my life, that was the most male interaction I'd had outside of my mother's occasional boyfriends.  Those few interactions = special person.  For me, anyway.  I guess not for him. 

He asked me "What are you doing?"

I remember being instantly scared.  "I have to eat."

He told me that I couldn't.  I was supposed to stand in line like everyone else.  He even went so far as to walk me up to the lunch ladies and tell them that if I ever got into the end of the line again that they were NOT to serve me lunch.  I was terrified and mortified. 

I already thought I deserved nothing, that I was ugly and fat and horrible and then I had this man, who I looked up to, tell me that I should not eat. 

Looking back now, he probably thought I was getting seconds, but at the time I was frozen with fear.  I didn't think to stand up for myself or tell him about the bullying.  I should have.  I'm sorry, Stacey.  I should have fought for you.

Never Let Your Light Shine

When I was young, I learned that whenever I would let everything go and just be myself, it would blow up in my face.  I engaged in conversation with the guys in my history project group in 6th grade and I was told that my pants were ugly and I should just shut my face. 

I was told that I had to sit on the other side of the table from my biology lab partners because my hair was greasy.  That was the same year my period leaked all over and my mother refused to help me.  The same year I was told "there is no excuse for you" when I said excuse me to pass someone in class.  The same year that I stayed late to do bonus work in English class and when I walked the hall to use the restroom, the teachers were doing locker checks and just happened to be opening mine as I walked past.  One of my favorite teachers, my idol at the time, opened my locker and howled "whew!".  She took a step back and waved her hands dramatically while joking with another teacher that "this kid reeks!".  I left without collecting my things that day.

I did have a friend, Paul, but he was only half there.  He was handsome, but gay.  He hadn't realized it yet and so tried dating various girls.  He hung with me sometimes but it died off after we were talking in homeroom on day.  I felt something on my cheek and scratched.  I found a flea, a goddamned FLEA under my nail.  He saw the whole thing and awkwardly asked if my cats lived outside or inside before walking away.  He didn't come over. 

1AM Hunger

I sent my sponsor my foods from today and she agreed that it is too much food.  I didn't ask if she was talking calories/carbs/fat or whatever.  In my gut I know it's still too much, even though I have cut my food intake to about half of what it was before OA. 

I cut way back on my last snack and now I am awake.  Wide awake since 1am with a growling stomach and a headache. 

I could eat.  I'm not on a diet.  I'm not restricted like that.  I could eat.  But I don't want to start the habit of night eating.  We had a long weekend and I had been staying up until 1 or 2am.  I had pushed my last snack that far back and now my body is used to a dose of food in the middle of the night. 

So I will lie here until it passes.  A little water and some deep breaths.  I will not die of starvation before breakfast.

“Breathe. You're going to be okay. Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you've survived. Breathe and know that you can survive this too. These feelings can’t break you. They're painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass. Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade and when they do, you'll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience. I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again. This will pass. I promise it will pass.”
― Daniell Koepke

A Photographic Eating Journal

I still feel like I'm eating too much.  It could be impatience.  I hurt all the time.  I can't wear jeans, not even my 26w.  The weight of my stomach and chest is killing my bones.  I hear them grind.  I feel the small spasms of exhaustion from my muscles all day long.  I can't bend over as it kills my knees.  I have to sit to mop floors or sort toys.  It is terrible to be this large. 

So, my sponsor says my plan of eating is "fine", but I have doubts.  So, I took photos of everything I put in my mouth today. 

BREAKFAST: Coffee, tater tots, eggs with cheese, bananabread, grapes

SNACK: Water, banana bread, apple slices

LUNCH:  Baked potato with margarine, cheese, cottage cheese (shared with Ollie)

SNACK: Coffee

DINNER: Oranges and string cheese (split with Ollie)

SNACK:  Pretzels, water and two (single packaged) poptarts.  This evening snack was shared with Evie and Ollie.