I love my mother. I think she's smart and such a hard worker, but I think it's time to admit that she failed me. I was alone, all the time. There were strange men in our house who had zero respect for us. We were scared and alone and never knew if she was going to scream at us or cry and lay her adult burdens on us. She hit us with a belt when we spazzed out from the horrible circumstances we were all in.
She never taught me self-care. She never reminded me when to take a bath. She never taught me how to treat my hair. She never taught me about lotion or facial toner or makeup or even tampons. I stumbled through all of it. I still don't wear makeup today because I have no clue how to apply it. I want to learn not because I want to wear it daily, but because if my daughter wants to know, I want to be able to teach her.
When I got my period, all my mom did was make eye contact while handing me a package of pads after grocery shopping one day. Not a single word. She would not pick me up from school when my pad leaked all over my white shorts and I had an obvious grapefruit sized splotch of blood on my back side. Girls teased me all day. Teachers disinfected chairs after I got up. I tried to put my gym shorts on, but I was told they were inappropriate for school.
I broke my glasses one day and that was sort of the straw that broke the camel's back. I was in full blown depression and all she did was bring my broken pair of glasses from 3 years prior to the school and watch me cry in front of everyone in the hallway.
I had bursitis in my knee so bad that the gym teacher told me that I shouldn't be walking on it. I got one day off of school so that I could go to the doctor. Even the doctor laughed when my mom explained that I'd been going to school and taking a couple ibuprofen. He told her that I needed rest and prescription. I still went to school.
My school work was turned in with cat piss on it.
I NEVER brushed my hair. I had to cut out knots at one point.
My clothes NEVER fit. I was uncomfortable all day, every day.
And she didn't notice. She didn't fix it. I was so depressed that I didnt' care that I never bathed or had friends. Every bit of growing up that I've ever done was late or awkward because I had no support, no help.
The only thing she did, was keep food in the house. She'd buy me cheesecake when I was sad.
