Compulsive Shopping

I went to Dubois to pick up some garden edging I'd bought off Facebook.  I knew there was a Ross (Dress for Less) in the area.  I have a bad history with that place.  I have spend entire paychecks there.  The clothes I want to fit, but never do.  The trendy stuff I want Gabe and Justin to wear, but they never do.  The pretty statues and candles that I want to fill our home with, that look awkward on our outdated furniture.  I used to stalk the one in Butler, near my mom. 

I used my GPS to find the store and walked in, knowing I could spend a little and Justin wouldn't care or was numb to it anymore.  I found a garden statue for Evie, $7.  There were a few, but I was trying to keep the price down.  I found $5 spring placemats for the dining room.  Not a must have, but our old ones are shredding.  I found a 4pk of Nuby cups for $10.  Those were actually on our "tax money" list, so I didn't feel bad buying them.  I wandered the aisles trying to find something spectacular.  Something that would give me that HIGH that shopping gives me.  I was trying to fill some hole of anxiety or impatience.  I could find nothing.  I even put a few things back.  I even walked away from kid shoes on clearance for $2.50. I walked away from funny coffee mugs.  The big ones. 

As I was checking out with my few purchases, I caught myself desperately searching the snack food.  I NEEDED something.  I hadn't gotten my buzz.  As soon as I realized what I was doing, I stopped.  It was lunacy! 

I left that store only with truly cheap and useful things.  I had not gouged us.  I had not binged.  I had seen a dangerous pattern in my behavior, though. 

Compulsive shopping is like pie.  I cant leave pie alone, if its in the house.  Cakr either.  I think perhaps it was a good thing that we moved so far from everything.   I can no longer wander walmart for 2 hours buying too much junk. 

Sia & Maddie

Sia has a whole series of music videos featuring Maddie Zeigler.  In them, this little girl is raging against traumas like inner anger, self-hatred, lonliness, hiding your emotions, etc.  There is a bunch in the series.  The latest show 2 young girls racing through a train lot, finding one another, and trying to escape.  There is another where Maddie I'd trying to evacuate children from a run down house that is dangerous in many ways, burning/crumbling/filthy.  She encourages them to dance, run, express themselves, and fight back. 

The story in all of these, and the many others, obviously mirrors the emotional journey of injured children.  I cry while watching them, sometimes. 

I Was Never Important

When I was in 8th or 9th grade, I was diagnosed with bursitis of the knee.  It came about after slipping on something at work and landing square on my knee.  I was already obese.  My mother fought me to see the doctor until my gym teacher noticed my limp, my pain, and that my knee was swollen to twice its normal size.  When she finally took me in, the doctor laughed at how sick I was vs the 2 doses of ibuprofen she allowed me each day.  That's just one of MANY times my mother minimized me or guilt-tripped me when I was sick or injured.

There was the time I was suffering from suicidal thoughts and severe clinical depression and she told me I should just shake it off.  She said that I could just decide to feel better if I really wanted to. 

There was the time I was in labor and she was my lamaze coach... and she JUST LEFT.  I was alone and in labor and she left me there.  She has never visited me in the hospital after childbirth nor come to see my infant children.  She has rushed to see my sister after every child. 

There was the time my tooth was killing me and the local dentist told me I needed a root canal.  I was working and willing to pay for it, but I still wasn't driving at 19, so asked for a ride.  My mother threw her hands up and scolded me in front of co-workers for needing her to drive me to another city to get the work done.

There was the time my tonsil was so swollen that it was obstructing my throat.  It was my brother's high school graduation and I was visiting from Pittsburgh.  I woke her up early the day after bringing me home.  I could barely breath or swollow.  She scolded me for needing to be taken to the ER when today was about Jon.  I was dehydrated and out on iv antibiotics for the day.

One night, when Gabe was about 3 and we were living with Mom after losing everything in Oil City.  I woke up having muscle spasms in my upper back and was hyperventilating.  The spasms were so severe my back was arching.  I had to send my frightened boy into her room to get me some help.  Instead of calling 911, as my lips turned blue, she tried to plug in a heating pad near me and put it on my back.  I gasped for her to call 911 and she rolled her eyes.  EMTS put me on oxygen and raced me to the hospital.

There was the time, while still in high school, that I had such a bad toothache that I took 30 aspirin in a single day.  It was enough to let me sleep for a few hours, but when I woke I couldn't feel one side of my face.  I told her that I felt funny and my face was numb.  My face was lopsided.  She told me it was just swelling and that I'd be fine.  Meanwhile, my sister swollowed 8 nightquill capsules a few days later and we were rushing her to the hospital to have her stomach pumped.  I ended up with partial paralysis in the left side of my face, to this day. 

There were other times of neglect that simply made me feel like I was an unworthy person, that I had no value.  When I was starving in Pittsburgh, after being kicked out of the school I couldn't go to because I couldn't buy the bus pass to get into the city because I-still-do-not-understand-how-i-was-supposed-to-live-there...my mom visited and saw my situation.  The next week she mailed me a $10 and told me to spend it wisely because it was a huge sacrifice for her.  Gee, thanks mom.