When I was in 8th or 9th grade, I was diagnosed with bursitis of the knee. It came about after slipping on something at work and landing square on my knee. I was already obese. My mother fought me to see the doctor until my gym teacher noticed my limp, my pain, and that my knee was swollen to twice its normal size. When she finally took me in, the doctor laughed at how sick I was vs the 2 doses of ibuprofen she allowed me each day. That's just one of MANY times my mother minimized me or guilt-tripped me when I was sick or injured.
There was the time I was suffering from suicidal thoughts and severe clinical depression and she told me I should just shake it off. She said that I could just decide to feel better if I really wanted to.
There was the time I was in labor and she was my lamaze coach... and she JUST LEFT. I was alone and in labor and she left me there. She has never visited me in the hospital after childbirth nor come to see my infant children. She has rushed to see my sister after every child.
There was the time my tooth was killing me and the local dentist told me I needed a root canal. I was working and willing to pay for it, but I still wasn't driving at 19, so asked for a ride. My mother threw her hands up and scolded me in front of co-workers for needing her to drive me to another city to get the work done.
There was the time my tonsil was so swollen that it was obstructing my throat. It was my brother's high school graduation and I was visiting from Pittsburgh. I woke her up early the day after bringing me home. I could barely breath or swollow. She scolded me for needing to be taken to the ER when today was about Jon. I was dehydrated and out on iv antibiotics for the day.
One night, when Gabe was about 3 and we were living with Mom after losing everything in Oil City. I woke up having muscle spasms in my upper back and was hyperventilating. The spasms were so severe my back was arching. I had to send my frightened boy into her room to get me some help. Instead of calling 911, as my lips turned blue, she tried to plug in a heating pad near me and put it on my back. I gasped for her to call 911 and she rolled her eyes. EMTS put me on oxygen and raced me to the hospital.
There was the time, while still in high school, that I had such a bad toothache that I took 30 aspirin in a single day. It was enough to let me sleep for a few hours, but when I woke I couldn't feel one side of my face. I told her that I felt funny and my face was numb. My face was lopsided. She told me it was just swelling and that I'd be fine. Meanwhile, my sister swollowed 8 nightquill capsules a few days later and we were rushing her to the hospital to have her stomach pumped. I ended up with partial paralysis in the left side of my face, to this day.
There were other times of neglect that simply made me feel like I was an unworthy person, that I had no value. When I was starving in Pittsburgh, after being kicked out of the school I couldn't go to because I couldn't buy the bus pass to get into the city because I-still-do-not-understand-how-i-was-supposed-to-live-there...my mom visited and saw my situation. The next week she mailed me a $10 and told me to spend it wisely because it was a huge sacrifice for her. Gee, thanks mom.
