I am busy all morning with teaching or errands. He leaves for work at 230pm. He comes home at midnight. I used to stay up and try to see him when he got home, but I get up at 630 for Gabriel. I got so exhausted that I was falling asleep at the wheel at 11am and so physically tired that my arms shook all day, i couldn't clean or cook.
He invites his friend Mike over every weekend. I like Mike, but when he's over we have no privacy, my husband doesnt come to bed at night, and the guys take over the house. I cant watch TV unless we all like what's on. I cant play boardgames because they are video gaming or playing cards. I can cook, clean up, and play on my phone. That's it.
I had a dream last night that I was begging Justin to come play down with me. In my dream he told me he'd come only if I agreed to play cards, watch anime or have sex.
I am so unhappy.
I cry all day.
I am starting to think that my depression is circumstantial. When I'm out of the house, I'm generally alright. I have energy and enthusiasm. Within an hour of being home, it's gone.
Sunday, December 2, 2018
Monday, November 26, 2018
Thanksgiving Let Down
To start, I have been feeling more and more manic/anxious as the days counted down to the week of Thanksgiving. Winter snow hit sooner than expected and I have no chance to sort and sell the remainder of the shed to raise money for bills or Christmas gifts.
Our weekly schedule is so full of appointments and errands that homeschool is the last priority. I feel like I'm failing my beautiful, precious girl. On the bright side, Oliver is showing interest in schooling.
Justin brings Mike over every chance he can. I don't mind Mike's company as he's great with the kids and pretty quiet and helpful. It bothers me that having Mike over means that even on the days Justin is off of work, I still go to bed alone. We still can't have the fights and discussions that we need to. Mike feels awkward, I know, when Justin screams at the kids and then I defend them and suddenly we're all shouting.
Justin is so fucking absent. He has no idea what our family culture even is. The kids have a norm with me that he completely blasts them out of on the weekends. He claims he's in the right because "rules". I tell him that we have treats and special moments and rewards for good behavior and lax rules if they've been in a car all day, etc. He claims that none of that matters. He's an inflexible dick.
Anyway, with all that going on, we had Oliver's 3rd birthday. Karen came with my mother and became a drunken sobbing wreck. Margie and Chucky got put off and suddenly left. My mother claimed that Karen hadn't drank in "months". Highly unbelievable. As Karen ranted and interrupted and shouted over people, my mom said that they were going to get going because Karen was "getting silly". COME THE FUCK ON!!!! HOW DISILLUSIONED IS SHE?????
After they left, I felt the need to become drunk. That seems to be my go to either in-place-of or paired-with a food binge. When we went to the kitchen, we found all the champagne GONE, the smirnoff GONE, and the absolute GONE. Karen had emptied a bottle of soda into the sink and filled it with straight booze. We all stood there dumbfounded. Mike finally believed all of the wild Karen stories he'd heard over the year. I opened my Rumchata and decided to drink, but before I could, there was a knock on the door. Gabriel's new ARC mentor stood there. I'd completely forgot about him. We decided to send them to the movie theater. I went to grab cash out of my purse. It had been sitting there during the party, about $12 loose. It was there during the party and now GONE. My fucking sister stole money out of my purse. Between Mike and Justin, they gathered up enough cash for him to go see The Grinch and get some snacks with his new friend, so that's good, but damn it!
WTF IS WRONG WITH MY FAMILY???
I didn't feel that I could bring the missing booze or cash up to my mother as she had given me a check for $200 before leaving. She wanted me to get the van fixed but by the time I put it in the bank and bought some groceries, it was just about used up. The last unclaimed $70 went toward gas and lunch in Pittsburgh on Tuesday.
Sunday, Justin and I hibernated. There is always a come-down after a family party. We both need to unwind with lots of tv and sleeping. We rarely drink. We tidied the house, ordered Thanksgiving dinner from Bob Evans, took out the garbage, and went to bed early.
Monday, we homeschooled and Oliver had his first visit with the IU6 speech therapist.
Tuesday, we got up super early and headed down to Pittsburgh Dental Clinic for Evelyn and Oliver. I kept Gabe out of school to go with as I thought I would need help (turns out I didn't) but because it was also a free admission day at the Zoo, so I thought he'd enjoy it. He didn't want to go. He wanted to stay at school. I should have listened. He was bored or asking for food/money the entire day. It was fun though.
Wednesday, I spent the day prepping for Thanksgiving and stressing that my sister and mother were coming back over. I feel like everything is slipping away. Tonya and Ben are not coming to visit like they used to. She had cut the umbilical with PA, even taking her ex to court to end visitation rights. My mother is hard to be around as she talks about her credit card debt (which I/we ran up) and I just start to feel guilty and worthless. Karen raves about bullshit. They both talk about how Gabriel will come live with them soon. I am determined that that will not happen so long as Karen is there. She is itching to "take over" with Gabriel and that is going to be a disaster.
Thursday, Thanksgiving Day, I got up early, started warming food, got the parade up on the tv, put some jazz on the dot, set the table beautifully, mixed up the punch, and waited. And waited. And waited. We had planned to hang all day, play board games, enjoy some movies with them. They didn't show until 1pm. We ate at 3pm and my mother cut off all conversation and left before 4pm. She expects us to be at her place early and even spend the night every year. And now, she and my sister just breezed through, took home the majority of the leftovers of our $100 meal, and then mentioned that they can't have us over for Christmas. We can stop by the weekend of new years to pick up the kids stuff.
WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK?????
I was sick inside. 'Depressed' doesn't cover it. I felt used, rejected. And I had no one to talk to. Justin worked a double Friday. I ended up drinking tons of alcohol, had a raging headache, the cold put an ache in my bones so bad. I hated my family, I hated my husband, I hated everything. I even thought of leaving Justin just to GTFO of Pennsylvania. I know that I could stay with the Ochs. The van is in my name. I could get a job. I could do this. But then I remember my shitty childhood and want my family to stay together.
I broke down Saturday. I haven't cleaned in days. I finally got a shower this morning after 4 days. I had to force it though. I have been binge eating for days and days. I told Justin that this place is killing me. I told him that I've been waiting for years for him to get us out of here.
Our answer was this... pick 4 cities where he can apply for an apprenticeship with the electrical union. Other qualifiers will be 'good homeschool community', 'OA meetings', 'vegetarian food', 'a home with 4 bedrooms and a classroom for under $1400/mo'. We will use the tax return to visit each city and apply. The first to hire Justin will probably be where we live for the remainder of the children's school years. I am gunning for Raleigh for a ton of reasons, but understand that Cleveland is a lot more money.
Our weekly schedule is so full of appointments and errands that homeschool is the last priority. I feel like I'm failing my beautiful, precious girl. On the bright side, Oliver is showing interest in schooling.
Justin brings Mike over every chance he can. I don't mind Mike's company as he's great with the kids and pretty quiet and helpful. It bothers me that having Mike over means that even on the days Justin is off of work, I still go to bed alone. We still can't have the fights and discussions that we need to. Mike feels awkward, I know, when Justin screams at the kids and then I defend them and suddenly we're all shouting.
Justin is so fucking absent. He has no idea what our family culture even is. The kids have a norm with me that he completely blasts them out of on the weekends. He claims he's in the right because "rules". I tell him that we have treats and special moments and rewards for good behavior and lax rules if they've been in a car all day, etc. He claims that none of that matters. He's an inflexible dick.
Anyway, with all that going on, we had Oliver's 3rd birthday. Karen came with my mother and became a drunken sobbing wreck. Margie and Chucky got put off and suddenly left. My mother claimed that Karen hadn't drank in "months". Highly unbelievable. As Karen ranted and interrupted and shouted over people, my mom said that they were going to get going because Karen was "getting silly". COME THE FUCK ON!!!! HOW DISILLUSIONED IS SHE?????
After they left, I felt the need to become drunk. That seems to be my go to either in-place-of or paired-with a food binge. When we went to the kitchen, we found all the champagne GONE, the smirnoff GONE, and the absolute GONE. Karen had emptied a bottle of soda into the sink and filled it with straight booze. We all stood there dumbfounded. Mike finally believed all of the wild Karen stories he'd heard over the year. I opened my Rumchata and decided to drink, but before I could, there was a knock on the door. Gabriel's new ARC mentor stood there. I'd completely forgot about him. We decided to send them to the movie theater. I went to grab cash out of my purse. It had been sitting there during the party, about $12 loose. It was there during the party and now GONE. My fucking sister stole money out of my purse. Between Mike and Justin, they gathered up enough cash for him to go see The Grinch and get some snacks with his new friend, so that's good, but damn it!
WTF IS WRONG WITH MY FAMILY???
I didn't feel that I could bring the missing booze or cash up to my mother as she had given me a check for $200 before leaving. She wanted me to get the van fixed but by the time I put it in the bank and bought some groceries, it was just about used up. The last unclaimed $70 went toward gas and lunch in Pittsburgh on Tuesday.
Sunday, Justin and I hibernated. There is always a come-down after a family party. We both need to unwind with lots of tv and sleeping. We rarely drink. We tidied the house, ordered Thanksgiving dinner from Bob Evans, took out the garbage, and went to bed early.
Monday, we homeschooled and Oliver had his first visit with the IU6 speech therapist.
Tuesday, we got up super early and headed down to Pittsburgh Dental Clinic for Evelyn and Oliver. I kept Gabe out of school to go with as I thought I would need help (turns out I didn't) but because it was also a free admission day at the Zoo, so I thought he'd enjoy it. He didn't want to go. He wanted to stay at school. I should have listened. He was bored or asking for food/money the entire day. It was fun though.
Wednesday, I spent the day prepping for Thanksgiving and stressing that my sister and mother were coming back over. I feel like everything is slipping away. Tonya and Ben are not coming to visit like they used to. She had cut the umbilical with PA, even taking her ex to court to end visitation rights. My mother is hard to be around as she talks about her credit card debt (which I/we ran up) and I just start to feel guilty and worthless. Karen raves about bullshit. They both talk about how Gabriel will come live with them soon. I am determined that that will not happen so long as Karen is there. She is itching to "take over" with Gabriel and that is going to be a disaster.
Thursday, Thanksgiving Day, I got up early, started warming food, got the parade up on the tv, put some jazz on the dot, set the table beautifully, mixed up the punch, and waited. And waited. And waited. We had planned to hang all day, play board games, enjoy some movies with them. They didn't show until 1pm. We ate at 3pm and my mother cut off all conversation and left before 4pm. She expects us to be at her place early and even spend the night every year. And now, she and my sister just breezed through, took home the majority of the leftovers of our $100 meal, and then mentioned that they can't have us over for Christmas. We can stop by the weekend of new years to pick up the kids stuff.
WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK?????
I was sick inside. 'Depressed' doesn't cover it. I felt used, rejected. And I had no one to talk to. Justin worked a double Friday. I ended up drinking tons of alcohol, had a raging headache, the cold put an ache in my bones so bad. I hated my family, I hated my husband, I hated everything. I even thought of leaving Justin just to GTFO of Pennsylvania. I know that I could stay with the Ochs. The van is in my name. I could get a job. I could do this. But then I remember my shitty childhood and want my family to stay together.
I broke down Saturday. I haven't cleaned in days. I finally got a shower this morning after 4 days. I had to force it though. I have been binge eating for days and days. I told Justin that this place is killing me. I told him that I've been waiting for years for him to get us out of here.
Our answer was this... pick 4 cities where he can apply for an apprenticeship with the electrical union. Other qualifiers will be 'good homeschool community', 'OA meetings', 'vegetarian food', 'a home with 4 bedrooms and a classroom for under $1400/mo'. We will use the tax return to visit each city and apply. The first to hire Justin will probably be where we live for the remainder of the children's school years. I am gunning for Raleigh for a ton of reasons, but understand that Cleveland is a lot more money.
Wednesday, October 31, 2018
I Joined a Declutter group
So "hi!". I'm new here. I didn't realize until lately that a lot of my anger comes from being constantly undermined in my attempt to clean and organize my house (or the car or the shed or the yard...). I have that house that you visit and it's pretty tidy, but don't dare open a closet or drawer as it may not close again. In reality, we just have too much stuff. We are a family of 5 in 1600sqft. We homeschool, so 300sqft of that is dedicated to a classroom.
My husband is an electronics & video game collector (hoarder/addict) so we have about 20 full sized totes that are nothing but old wires/games/systems/desktops/controllers/etc. They work, but are value-less to sell and he's stuck on this idea that we will one day have a large home with a gaming den and he can set them all up.
His mother and grandmother are clinical hoarders. Grandmother's house was impounded and a it took weeks for an Ebay store to tag and move everything in their home. We have inherited 2 storage units worth of items from her after she abandoned all and moved to Florida. His mother's house is unlivable (she exists in 2 1/2 rooms and has a path to the bathroom) and loaded with dogs. She is a yardsale/fleamarket addict. Every time she comes to visit she has a car loaded with items for our children. They are nice items, but my children are overwhelmed. I now wait until she leaves and immediately garbage bag everything and take it to Goodwill.
My own mother is a gift-giver. She spends an easy $500 on each child. The items are very nice and often educational and high-end, but I simply have run out of room. I cull the kids' toys and clothes monthly and we still are cramped for space (the shed is FULL). I hate how all of my friends joke that I'm a hoarder when I try so desperately to keep things out of my house.
I will not say that none of this is my fault. I'm a shopping addict as well (thrift stores, so more "bang" for my buck). I have curbed myself greatly this past year, but the urge is still there. One fight with my husband and I'm bringing home 4 bags of rummage sale books. It is a journey for sure. This past year we got rid of a lot, we burned several pieces of furniture, old rugs, 4 boxes of papers. We donated 2 carloads of household items to a shelter for battered women. We sold all schooling items that our children outgrew... the river of items just keeps coming and all we are barely getting ahead.
Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, October 23, 2018
I came back to a closed door. But I can open others
I found my pills last night. I have been off my wellbutrin since our trip to Cincinnati and it has been hell. I have been eating to the point of vomiting. I never knew how much they helped.
I think my stress and anxiety are at a solid 8. I am worried about money (always) and yet have this urge to shop uncontrollably. I almost bought my son a $300 recliner this morning even though both cars need inspected and all the bills are behind.
I logged onto Facebook while waiting at the food bank. My OA group is gone. Suddenly archived sept 22nd. It was a great group. I feel like there is no where else to turn. But I know there is. I reached out to Hayda to see if she knew of a different group. She didnt have info, but even a few seconds of talking to another person in program helped.
I tried to log into an online meeting while I waited in line, but it didnt start for another 30mins. I am setting an alarm on my phone for the 6pm meeting. Would be a good habit to go through while cooking dinner. It may help me to plan healthier meals and get us back to the dining room table.
I also want to schedule YMCA time. We have paid near $600 and never use it. I'm thinking Thursdays after piano, but not certain that would work with Oliver (who I cannot have in the music studio). Hmmm. Will have to think on it.
I think my stress and anxiety are at a solid 8. I am worried about money (always) and yet have this urge to shop uncontrollably. I almost bought my son a $300 recliner this morning even though both cars need inspected and all the bills are behind.
I logged onto Facebook while waiting at the food bank. My OA group is gone. Suddenly archived sept 22nd. It was a great group. I feel like there is no where else to turn. But I know there is. I reached out to Hayda to see if she knew of a different group. She didnt have info, but even a few seconds of talking to another person in program helped.
I tried to log into an online meeting while I waited in line, but it didnt start for another 30mins. I am setting an alarm on my phone for the 6pm meeting. Would be a good habit to go through while cooking dinner. It may help me to plan healthier meals and get us back to the dining room table.
I also want to schedule YMCA time. We have paid near $600 and never use it. I'm thinking Thursdays after piano, but not certain that would work with Oliver (who I cannot have in the music studio). Hmmm. Will have to think on it.
Friday, September 7, 2018
Happy Children Make Me Cry
Whenever I hear a story of a child being well cared for, an amazing thing happening for them, a parent tending to their emotional needs and making time for them.... I bawl.
Friday, April 27, 2018
We Need to Move
I'm not sure what the problem is, but Justin and I can't make friends no matter what we try. I made a real attempt to get out into the world these past few months. I chat with strangers, I am super nice to other people's children, I even invited a bunch of strangers over for E's 5th birthday. All seemed to have a good time. They ate, they played, they giggled, they chatted with everyone else. It was a nice party. And then I find that the mother of E's new bestie unfriended and blocked me soon after the party. We have seen each other twice since then, at gymnastics class, and she was friendly and agreeable to future playdates. The girls still enjoy talking and playing together. I have no clue....
Justin has repeatedly tried to invite fellow gamers over from the mill. Months of invitations and "yes" RSVPs and yet no-shows every single time. I slave making cute snacks and brunch spreads and buying liquor for specialty mixed drinks... and we are alone every single time.
Gabe is feeling the strain too. His only friend suddenly moved one day. It's got him in such a funk that Justin and I were called to the school this week because he was sobbing and talking of "ending it all" with a pocket knife when he got home. They almost institutionalized him!
My mother-in-law is cold and distant. And when she's not, she's rude and argumentative. My mother flip flops between supportive and open to aloof and distant. My sister is a black hole of booze and self hatred that I abhore having around my children. Val is a good friend, but I fear the unresolved mental issues of her husband are going to drag her down into the dirt. I can tell when he's got something going on because she avoids me for weeks.
All in all.... I just think we need to move. Raleigh is my first choice but it's expensive and would require Justin to change careers. Second choice would be a nice forest town in Virginia or Oregon. Maybe Colorado. I don't know. We are just not the right redneck, gun-obsessed, Trump-loving, do-anything-for-Jesus flavor of person for this area.
Justin has repeatedly tried to invite fellow gamers over from the mill. Months of invitations and "yes" RSVPs and yet no-shows every single time. I slave making cute snacks and brunch spreads and buying liquor for specialty mixed drinks... and we are alone every single time.
Gabe is feeling the strain too. His only friend suddenly moved one day. It's got him in such a funk that Justin and I were called to the school this week because he was sobbing and talking of "ending it all" with a pocket knife when he got home. They almost institutionalized him!
My mother-in-law is cold and distant. And when she's not, she's rude and argumentative. My mother flip flops between supportive and open to aloof and distant. My sister is a black hole of booze and self hatred that I abhore having around my children. Val is a good friend, but I fear the unresolved mental issues of her husband are going to drag her down into the dirt. I can tell when he's got something going on because she avoids me for weeks.
All in all.... I just think we need to move. Raleigh is my first choice but it's expensive and would require Justin to change careers. Second choice would be a nice forest town in Virginia or Oregon. Maybe Colorado. I don't know. We are just not the right redneck, gun-obsessed, Trump-loving, do-anything-for-Jesus flavor of person for this area.
Monday, April 23, 2018
I hate my diet
My diet is not making me happy. Gabriel and I started a 1700 calorie day on March 27th. We have had 2 official cheat days and 1 unofficial. I also had two alcohol binges while on vacation in NC. So, I have gone overboard 5x in 4 weeks. That is pitiful and I hate myself for the lack of dedication and discipline.
For the past two days, no matter how much I eat, I am completely unsatisfied. I want all the food in the house. I swear I'm worse than Gabe and he has a legit medical binging disorder.
I want greasy fries and a banana split dripping with chocolate sauce. I want caramel cheesecake. I want a giant bowl of mashed potatoes and tofurky. I want to eat one gosh darn thing that isn't "light" or "sugar free".
I really want to quit, especially after gaining back 7lbs out of the blue. I assume it's normal rebounding as I am pretty sure a good chunk of that initial 15lb loss (in 3 weeks) was water.
I want to eat whatever I want whenever I want it. I am pissed and sad and cranky. The food addict in me is screaming and stabbing and whispering in my ear. Gabriel would never know. He's at school all day. I could binge when Justin goes to work and before Gabriel gets home... but it would kill me inside. I am trying to stay strong for my kiddo. For all of them, really. They need their mother.
But part of me doesn't care. I want to eat until I'm immobile. I want to eat until paid nurses have to come flip me to prevent bed sores. I want to eat until I'm on life support and then still be smuggling in chocolate. I want to fill a bus with food and rent a cabin and hide away for a month eating everything. If I die up there, oh well.
I want food. I want food.
I want it.
For the past two days, no matter how much I eat, I am completely unsatisfied. I want all the food in the house. I swear I'm worse than Gabe and he has a legit medical binging disorder.
I want greasy fries and a banana split dripping with chocolate sauce. I want caramel cheesecake. I want a giant bowl of mashed potatoes and tofurky. I want to eat one gosh darn thing that isn't "light" or "sugar free".
I really want to quit, especially after gaining back 7lbs out of the blue. I assume it's normal rebounding as I am pretty sure a good chunk of that initial 15lb loss (in 3 weeks) was water.
I want to eat whatever I want whenever I want it. I am pissed and sad and cranky. The food addict in me is screaming and stabbing and whispering in my ear. Gabriel would never know. He's at school all day. I could binge when Justin goes to work and before Gabriel gets home... but it would kill me inside. I am trying to stay strong for my kiddo. For all of them, really. They need their mother.
But part of me doesn't care. I want to eat until I'm immobile. I want to eat until paid nurses have to come flip me to prevent bed sores. I want to eat until I'm on life support and then still be smuggling in chocolate. I want to fill a bus with food and rent a cabin and hide away for a month eating everything. If I die up there, oh well.
I want food. I want food.
I want it.
Tuesday, February 27, 2018
Hypocrite or Glutton?
I gave in mindlessly to chocolate pb knock off Girl Scout cookies. I ate 8. That's 4 servings. I had already had a good lunch and yet, as I walked into the kitchen I had a craving for chocolate. I knew where Justin hides his cookies. I told myself that I'm probably getting my period soon and completely gave in.
Oliver saw the package and searched inside. His little frown face broke my heart. No cookies for the baby. Mommy ate them all in less than 5 minutes. Mommy hates herself. Mommy wishes she could purge, but nothing works to make me vomit.
I try so hard to follow servings sizes and meal times around the kids, but that restraint comes at the price of secret binges while shopping or while standing in the kitchen where they can't see me. I get fast food when no one is with me, maybe that's why I hate shopping alone.
Oliver saw the package and searched inside. His little frown face broke my heart. No cookies for the baby. Mommy ate them all in less than 5 minutes. Mommy hates herself. Mommy wishes she could purge, but nothing works to make me vomit.
I try so hard to follow servings sizes and meal times around the kids, but that restraint comes at the price of secret binges while shopping or while standing in the kitchen where they can't see me. I get fast food when no one is with me, maybe that's why I hate shopping alone.
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
I'm having a drowning day
It's mid-February. A notoriously bad time for me. My S.A.D. is in it's glory, even with my meds. I'm also frustrated with Justin and starting my period, so hormones are running rampant. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
We got 8 inches of snow by 10am today. My children are happily home and glued to tablets. I am feeling trapped and unappreciated. My husband never shovels. My husband does not do dishes. My husband does not take out trash until I ask him to. My husband does not feed the pets or clean a litter box. My husband does not do laundry, though he'll berate me if he doesn't have work clothes. My husband is on his playstation from the time he gets up to the time moment before he has to go to work (bitching about how late he's going to be the entire time). He plays the moment he gets home. To have adult conversation, I have to interrupt him.
I tried to talk to women at Evelyn's gymnastics last week. They walked away.
My mother. I was planning a weekend trip to her house. She said she was available. Then, last night, she told me she will not help me keep my phone. She will not allow me to put another on her plan unless I have the $600 to buy it. No warning. We've been talking about this for weeks. I guess it's time, but the painful part is that that's all she talked about. I told her Gabriel still wanted to come down. Silence. I told her we want to meet her new dogs. Silence. There's nothing so painful as your mother snubbing you and hinting that you're not welcome.
So, I feel more strongly than ever the desire to move to Raleigh. Tonya has been pushing hardcore. Lecturing me about how Justin will never do it unless I make him. Lecturing. Lecturing. Lecturing. Not talking to me when I tell her we need to wait. Scolding me when I tell her we have a longterm plan. She says Justin wants time to talk me out of it. She says Justin won't ever truck. She says we're going to be poor no matter what. No faith. No support. Only demands.
I am isolated no only physically, but also mentally. I have one friend and she can only visit once a month, always bringing her very loud, one-track-minded husband with. They don't see how redneck they are. They don't see the systemic racism flowing in their thoughts and conversation. They don't see Jazmine's behaviors. I'm done pointing them out.
I find myself trying to draw out conversations with the clerks at the Dollar Tree. I find myself wanting to talk with Evelyn's therapists. They give me this look that makes me realize I'm going fucking stir crazy and that my solution is not through them.
I feel that Raleigh will end my isolation. There are 14 OA meetings in the area. There are secular homeschool groups, atheist clubs, vegetarian meetups, an active UU church, free parks and museums, warm weather year round. There is a fitness center that would admittedly cost $250/month... however that includes the gym, swimming pool (3 of them), language classes, gymnastics, dance, music, and homeschool gym time. There is 2 hours of daycare each day that I can use to workout or swim laps. There is a free trainer and dietician. Between Evie's current gymnastics and piano class, we are already paying $95/mo. If we add in a membership to the YMCA, that will jump to $155/mo. And no pool or language or other classes. If we pursued dance in our area, that cost skyrockets to $220/mo. And still no pool or language or crafts and whatever else they are offering that month.
The parks are expansive with state of the art playgrounds and hiking trails and dog parks. The museums are free and offer classes with animals and science experiments. The homeschool groups are active and plentiful. The houses are wellbuilt and modern with fireplaces and high ceilings and lockable pantries and fenced yards. I really want to be there.
We got 8 inches of snow by 10am today. My children are happily home and glued to tablets. I am feeling trapped and unappreciated. My husband never shovels. My husband does not do dishes. My husband does not take out trash until I ask him to. My husband does not feed the pets or clean a litter box. My husband does not do laundry, though he'll berate me if he doesn't have work clothes. My husband is on his playstation from the time he gets up to the time moment before he has to go to work (bitching about how late he's going to be the entire time). He plays the moment he gets home. To have adult conversation, I have to interrupt him.
I tried to talk to women at Evelyn's gymnastics last week. They walked away.
My mother. I was planning a weekend trip to her house. She said she was available. Then, last night, she told me she will not help me keep my phone. She will not allow me to put another on her plan unless I have the $600 to buy it. No warning. We've been talking about this for weeks. I guess it's time, but the painful part is that that's all she talked about. I told her Gabriel still wanted to come down. Silence. I told her we want to meet her new dogs. Silence. There's nothing so painful as your mother snubbing you and hinting that you're not welcome.
So, I feel more strongly than ever the desire to move to Raleigh. Tonya has been pushing hardcore. Lecturing me about how Justin will never do it unless I make him. Lecturing. Lecturing. Lecturing. Not talking to me when I tell her we need to wait. Scolding me when I tell her we have a longterm plan. She says Justin wants time to talk me out of it. She says Justin won't ever truck. She says we're going to be poor no matter what. No faith. No support. Only demands.
I am isolated no only physically, but also mentally. I have one friend and she can only visit once a month, always bringing her very loud, one-track-minded husband with. They don't see how redneck they are. They don't see the systemic racism flowing in their thoughts and conversation. They don't see Jazmine's behaviors. I'm done pointing them out.
I find myself trying to draw out conversations with the clerks at the Dollar Tree. I find myself wanting to talk with Evelyn's therapists. They give me this look that makes me realize I'm going fucking stir crazy and that my solution is not through them.
I feel that Raleigh will end my isolation. There are 14 OA meetings in the area. There are secular homeschool groups, atheist clubs, vegetarian meetups, an active UU church, free parks and museums, warm weather year round. There is a fitness center that would admittedly cost $250/month... however that includes the gym, swimming pool (3 of them), language classes, gymnastics, dance, music, and homeschool gym time. There is 2 hours of daycare each day that I can use to workout or swim laps. There is a free trainer and dietician. Between Evie's current gymnastics and piano class, we are already paying $95/mo. If we add in a membership to the YMCA, that will jump to $155/mo. And no pool or language or other classes. If we pursued dance in our area, that cost skyrockets to $220/mo. And still no pool or language or crafts and whatever else they are offering that month.
The parks are expansive with state of the art playgrounds and hiking trails and dog parks. The museums are free and offer classes with animals and science experiments. The homeschool groups are active and plentiful. The houses are wellbuilt and modern with fireplaces and high ceilings and lockable pantries and fenced yards. I really want to be there.
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