To start, I have been feeling more and more manic/anxious as the days counted down to the week of Thanksgiving. Winter snow hit sooner than expected and I have no chance to sort and sell the remainder of the shed to raise money for bills or Christmas gifts.
Our weekly schedule is so full of appointments and errands that homeschool is the last priority. I feel like I'm failing my beautiful, precious girl. On the bright side, Oliver is showing interest in schooling.
Justin brings Mike over every chance he can. I don't mind Mike's company as he's great with the kids and pretty quiet and helpful. It bothers me that having Mike over means that even on the days Justin is off of work, I still go to bed alone. We still can't have the fights and discussions that we need to. Mike feels awkward, I know, when Justin screams at the kids and then I defend them and suddenly we're all shouting.
Justin is so fucking absent. He has no idea what our family culture even is. The kids have a norm with me that he completely blasts them out of on the weekends. He claims he's in the right because "rules". I tell him that we have treats and special moments and rewards for good behavior and lax rules if they've been in a car all day, etc. He claims that none of that matters. He's an inflexible dick.
Anyway, with all that going on, we had Oliver's 3rd birthday. Karen came with my mother and became a drunken sobbing wreck. Margie and Chucky got put off and suddenly left. My mother claimed that Karen hadn't drank in "months". Highly unbelievable. As Karen ranted and interrupted and shouted over people, my mom said that they were going to get going because Karen was "getting silly". COME THE FUCK ON!!!! HOW DISILLUSIONED IS SHE?????
After they left, I felt the need to become drunk. That seems to be my go to either in-place-of or paired-with a food binge. When we went to the kitchen, we found all the champagne GONE, the smirnoff GONE, and the absolute GONE. Karen had emptied a bottle of soda into the sink and filled it with straight booze. We all stood there dumbfounded. Mike finally believed all of the wild Karen stories he'd heard over the year. I opened my Rumchata and decided to drink, but before I could, there was a knock on the door. Gabriel's new ARC mentor stood there. I'd completely forgot about him. We decided to send them to the movie theater. I went to grab cash out of my purse. It had been sitting there during the party, about $12 loose. It was there during the party and now GONE. My fucking sister stole money out of my purse. Between Mike and Justin, they gathered up enough cash for him to go see The Grinch and get some snacks with his new friend, so that's good, but damn it!
WTF IS WRONG WITH MY FAMILY???
I didn't feel that I could bring the missing booze or cash up to my mother as she had given me a check for $200 before leaving. She wanted me to get the van fixed but by the time I put it in the bank and bought some groceries, it was just about used up. The last unclaimed $70 went toward gas and lunch in Pittsburgh on Tuesday.
Sunday, Justin and I hibernated. There is always a come-down after a family party. We both need to unwind with lots of tv and sleeping. We rarely drink. We tidied the house, ordered Thanksgiving dinner from Bob Evans, took out the garbage, and went to bed early.
Monday, we homeschooled and Oliver had his first visit with the IU6 speech therapist.
Tuesday, we got up super early and headed down to Pittsburgh Dental Clinic for Evelyn and Oliver. I kept Gabe out of school to go with as I thought I would need help (turns out I didn't) but because it was also a free admission day at the Zoo, so I thought he'd enjoy it. He didn't want to go. He wanted to stay at school. I should have listened. He was bored or asking for food/money the entire day. It was fun though.
Wednesday, I spent the day prepping for Thanksgiving and stressing that my sister and mother were coming back over. I feel like everything is slipping away. Tonya and Ben are not coming to visit like they used to. She had cut the umbilical with PA, even taking her ex to court to end visitation rights. My mother is hard to be around as she talks about her credit card debt (which I/we ran up) and I just start to feel guilty and worthless. Karen raves about bullshit. They both talk about how Gabriel will come live with them soon. I am determined that that will not happen so long as Karen is there. She is itching to "take over" with Gabriel and that is going to be a disaster.
Thursday, Thanksgiving Day, I got up early, started warming food, got the parade up on the tv, put some jazz on the dot, set the table beautifully, mixed up the punch, and waited. And waited. And waited. We had planned to hang all day, play board games, enjoy some movies with them. They didn't show until 1pm. We ate at 3pm and my mother cut off all conversation and left before 4pm. She expects us to be at her place early and even spend the night every year. And now, she and my sister just breezed through, took home the majority of the leftovers of our $100 meal, and then mentioned that they can't have us over for Christmas. We can stop by the weekend of new years to pick up the kids stuff.
WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK?????
I was sick inside. 'Depressed' doesn't cover it. I felt used, rejected. And I had no one to talk to. Justin worked a double Friday. I ended up drinking tons of alcohol, had a raging headache, the cold put an ache in my bones so bad. I hated my family, I hated my husband, I hated everything. I even thought of leaving Justin just to GTFO of Pennsylvania. I know that I could stay with the Ochs. The van is in my name. I could get a job. I could do this. But then I remember my shitty childhood and want my family to stay together.
I broke down Saturday. I haven't cleaned in days. I finally got a shower this morning after 4 days. I had to force it though. I have been binge eating for days and days. I told Justin that this place is killing me. I told him that I've been waiting for years for him to get us out of here.
Our answer was this... pick 4 cities where he can apply for an apprenticeship with the electrical union. Other qualifiers will be 'good homeschool community', 'OA meetings', 'vegetarian food', 'a home with 4 bedrooms and a classroom for under $1400/mo'. We will use the tax return to visit each city and apply. The first to hire Justin will probably be where we live for the remainder of the children's school years. I am gunning for Raleigh for a ton of reasons, but understand that Cleveland is a lot more money.
