When I was young, I learned that whenever I would let everything go and just be myself, it would blow up in my face. I engaged in conversation with the guys in my history project group in 6th grade and I was told that my pants were ugly and I should just shut my face.
I was told that I had to sit on the other side of the table from my biology lab partners because my hair was greasy. That was the same year my period leaked all over and my mother refused to help me. The same year I was told "there is no excuse for you" when I said excuse me to pass someone in class. The same year that I stayed late to do bonus work in English class and when I walked the hall to use the restroom, the teachers were doing locker checks and just happened to be opening mine as I walked past. One of my favorite teachers, my idol at the time, opened my locker and howled "whew!". She took a step back and waved her hands dramatically while joking with another teacher that "this kid reeks!". I left without collecting my things that day.
I did have a friend, Paul, but he was only half there. He was handsome, but gay. He hadn't realized it yet and so tried dating various girls. He hung with me sometimes but it died off after we were talking in homeroom on day. I felt something on my cheek and scratched. I found a flea, a goddamned FLEA under my nail. He saw the whole thing and awkwardly asked if my cats lived outside or inside before walking away. He didn't come over.
