I don't even know the last time I typed a message here. Probably back when I was still actively working on myself. I stopped and it was horrible. I snap at my kids, I forget to take my meds, I'm missing appointments, I'm eating all the time, I'm drinking all the time. I can't stop working on me. It is going to kill me.
Currently, I am struggling with perfectionism and raising children. I obsess over giving them the perfect childhood. Travel, education, music, skills, sports, experiences, perfect holidays, friends, no boundaries between themselves and thier parents. It is unobtainable. I am killing myself and as Gabriel is nearing adulthood, I am racked with guilt over everything I didn't give him. I'm trying to make it up now, but he just wants to do his own thing. He's 16. That's probably normal.
So, I'm doubling down on the littles but when I can't do something perfectly, I sink into depression and obsession and nothing gets done. 100 half finished projects on my desk. We haven't schooled since the trip (we went to the caribbean and as wonderful as it was, because I can't reproduce it several times a year to give them a golden childhood, I am depressed.).
The small survivor in me has a bunch of idea for moving forward, but the depression is a giant wet blanket. it's hard to move, it's hard to plan, it's hard to finish anything or make it out of the house. food tastes bad, but I still eat tons of it.
