I found an amazing, perfect job. We are drowning in financial troubles and everything we seem to do to try and fix it makes it worse. I applied for a USPS driving position. The office manager wanted me. I scored perfect on all the tests, the background checks, the fingerprinting, and my husband's new truck is the perfect vehicle to drive (locking truck bed for large items, safety light on top, high off the ground, massive tires...)
The final step was to get drug tested. They sent me the instructions on Tuesday and I promptly filled it out. They gave me Nov 26-29th to get it done. The 26th was the day of our homeschool coop and the lab closed at 4pm. I could not get there. The 27th was Thanksgiving prep and the lab closed at noon. I could not get there. The 28th was Thanksgiving. The lab was closed. The 29th was black friday and my MIL was staying with us for the weekend. The lab was open, but I could not get there. Well, I probably could have, but between the snow storm and having a house guest, I simply didn't go. I really didn't think they would refuse to give me another test date.
I called the company that schedules for USPS and they agreed to give me another test date. It was monday and I raced right out and did it. I called the office manager to let her know I had done it. She seemed relieved. Saturday I got an email stating that the job offer was rescinded. I emailed back but was ignored. I called the office and she wouldn't take my call.
I was so excited for this job.
This job was going to lift us out of poverty.
This job was a stepping stone to Raleigh (our 2021 goal).
This job was pride, usefulness, and me having a purpose other than stay at home mom.
This was car repairs and loan payments.
This was daycare for my kids so they could improve their speech and social skills.
SO MUCH WAS RIDING ON THIS.
and now I have been suicidal for weeks.
but it's fucking christmas and i can't tell anyone this.
justin blames me.
he told everyone at his work that it was my fault
we had sex one night, the kind where only he enjoyed it and then rolled over leaving in a sticky gross puddle. and the next mornign told me it was my fault
i don't know how to fix this
i don't know how to heal from this
i feel like every thing in our lives is my fault
we took out loans and every single time it was my fault
the van was because i NEEDED a vehicle and wanted something big, something updated (the dvd player and automatic doors)
the truck was because I had spent the tax return on a cruise
the loan my mother gave me to pay off the shed and lighten our load went to a trip to Raleigh and a bunch of shopping.
I went way over budget for christmas.
i made justin spend the christmas money his family gave him on stuff for parties and the kids.
how do you live when its all your fault?
when even your closest friends can't stand to be around you?
