Reading the Steps

I have started to read through the Overeaters Anonymous 12 steps.  Its similar, I guess, to the NA or AA plan.  Kenny was proud of his steps.  He was soooo happy to be in a controlled environment.  I think I would like something like that, until I realize that I have no freedoms. The idea of having zero responsibilities is alluring.  I may not leave the house to work a 9-5, but I clean and cook all day.  Errands, shopping, doctors and dentists, playgroup... the babies love it, but I get exhausted.  My back hurts so bad that I can't carry Oliver down the stairs in the morning, anymore.  If all I had to do was care for myself, I would be a happy happy person, but then I look at someone like my sister and realize that she is miserable.  Without her responsibilities, she crumbled into even worse depression and addiction.

Anyway.  Tangent.

I understand step 1.  I think I spent about a week just talking to myself, saying, "I'm a food addict." over and over.  I never broke down crying or anything.  I don't know if I'm doing it right.

I will struggle with the higher power aspects of this.  I am Pagan, but I am leaning towards living within Pagan culture, but practicing Atheism.  I'm of the opinion, at times, that there are no higher powers.  It is a creation of broken hearts and the sick and the ecstatically happy.  It's not my root.  Not my core.  When good things happen, I do not default to thanks and love to God (or Goddess).  When bad things happen, I examine the steps that got us there and try to improve.  I rarely feel like something supernatural is at work in my life.  If it is... I am deaf and numb to it. 

In atheist groups, they rely on the power of the group (as opposed to a higher power) to get them through.  Sigh.... I don't have that either.  I suppose what I need will make itself known (hows that for not believing??  haha)

I feel better this morning.  I want breakfast, not a binge.  I think having Justin home yesterday (saturday) helped a great deal.  I was not alone.  I had someone to talk to about anything that was bugging me.  It doesn't stay that way.  If the past has taught me anything, it's that after a few days, I begin to resent Justin for "forgetting to eat" and it starts again.

Today is Sunday.  The last sunday in November.  Time to put up the tree.  Time to take down the turkey.  Time to plan my Solstice party menu and party games.  I love this time of year.  I hope it does not break me.