There was a mix up with Justin's paystubs and so our Food Stamps were shut off this month. Our insurance and LIHEAP too, but that's another matter. We've made the calls and printed the paystubs and all should be getting reapplied for tomorrow... however we have no food money.
We are not out of food. We are out of the good stuff. Cookies, chips, microwavable snacks. Fresh fruit, string cheese, popcorn. Easy stuff. That sort of thing. We have rice and potatoes and seitan to make mock meats. I can make soup and sandwiches and whatnot. We are not starving. We have real food. But when I couldn't stroll the grocery aisles to my leisure today... When I couldn't randomly pick up any fix that occured to me in that moment. When I realized that we would have to postpone some of our Solstice baking... I wanted to bawl.
I have been moody and sluggish all day. I just want to sleep. I want to cry and sleep. And it seems like lots of little things are going wrong. Our light strings are all wonky and burnt out in various spots. Our front porch looks sooooo ghetto. But after spending an hour in the cold climbing the step stool and trudging through mud and banging the crap out of my fingers with the hammer (and being forced into conversation with a passing neighbor, ICK) I was just DONE... and they didnt work.
I hate looking helpless and poor. I hate messy, unorganized, broken. I hate my porch lights, but I am leaving them up in defeat and protest. Kinda hoping Justin giggles.
We have $56 in the bank and I'm telling myself that I can buy 50' of rope lights, 3 sweatshirts, a tank of gas, and emergency groceries with it. Then again, Justin gets paid friday. I hate being poor. i spend so much energy keeping a mental count of things and worrying.
This brings me to December. We are budgeted so tightly this month that we cannot use cash to purchase food. We are relying completely on the $321 in foodstamps. And we have parties to attend and throw and special nights like Krampusnacht and New years... and we have no cash and no food stamps.
My addiction to food is not just eating. It is making lists and watching food network and obsessing over recipes. I made my VERY intricate list for this month. I menu planned and thought of Justin's work dinners and all of the holiday stuff.
AND I CANT GO SHOPPING.
Shopping, I realize, is part of the addiction. It's either part of the food thing or part of the OCD list making part.
