So, Tonya is moving. I'm oddly okay with it because it will give me an excuse to travel again. Gabe and I used to travel all the time, but that has slowly disappeared. No more camping, no more holidays out of town, no more spontaneous weekends in St. Louis or Baltimore. Traveling to Virginia and North Carolina sounds like fun.
The move is still triggering me a bit. We had a week wherein we thought we might move into their old house (why do we house stalk them???), but it fell through and a huge burden of worry was removed from me. The house is larger overall, but the living space has it's own ugliness in the sense that the kitchen is non-existent, the bedrooms are small, and the entire house is just laid out wrong. I would have adjusted. It is a beautiful house that would have allowed us more room for homeschool, a mancave, a guestroom, and double the yard... but it was in Emlenton and I have fallen in love with Leeper. I really enjoy living across from the cemetary. I adore driving through the forest on my way into town. I love that our location puts Cooks Forest at our feet. We have quiet neighbors and a manageable yard. Our house is bursting at the seams, but we will manage, we always do.
I am stressed over my car. My mother gave it to me (it cost her nearly $900 to do so!) and it has been my trust old girl for several months... but the inspection is a month overdue. I told my mom I couldn't afford to take it in. She gave me $250 to deal with it. Well... it is going to cost closer to $500. She mailed us more money yesterday. I have guilt over our inability to fully support ourselves and know that every dollar she sends kills her. So, in a month where I have needed $750 from her yet we have no plans/ability to spend time with her, I live in a confusing cloud of guilt, sadness, need, and anger.
It bothers me that my brother once accused me of being a fat lazy burden on my mother. I am obese. I don't like to be told what to do or to be made to do uncomfortable things. I am a burden. I don't want his ugly words to be correct. I don't want to be this undesirable thing. My mother uses short sentences around me. She cuts me off or leaves the room. She likes Gabe and tolerates my babies, but I never get the sense that she loves me. Maybe she's just incapable of showing it. I'm not great at that myself.
She did have a shitty, abusive, overcritical father. Everyone has an inner demon.
Money is tight and clashes with my desire for all the things. It's stupid, but that's a major stressor. Some things I want, like a goofy bumper sticker are whims that I stubbornly don't want to let go. Other things, like the car, flea meds for the dog, surgery for the cat, a storage shed... these are things I feel are needs. And they are huge chunks of money. And we can't handle everything right now on top of Solstice coming up, Halloween costumes, booze for Thanksgiving, and the boys' birthdays.
Another stressor.... I can never tell if Margie and Chucky enjoy being at our house. I want to invite family up for Oliver's 2nd birthday, but is it just going to turn into a THING? If I invite my mom up for it, does that mean that she won't come up for Thanksgiving? I'd rather have her up for the holiday, maybe do presents for the boys then. But does that mean that I just don't have a party for Ollie? The Ochs won't be here. Margie is sketchy. Val may come up, but won't have a gift, will make the day about her, and if any of my family DOES show up she will be unwanted. They all hate her. She's a pain in the ass about wanting to insert herself into our family and is very vocal about it. She gets the cold shoulder from my mom, Chucky is short with her, and Margie is either over caring or short with her, depending on the mood. And I don't want Doug here chatting about cars all night while I'm supposed to be paying attention to my kids and family. They hog fucking attention, those two. Ugh, and my sister is downright mean and degrading to her.
None of the people in my inner circle mesh, save for our parents. So maybe I don't invite Val. But I don't think any of our parents will show! So, is poor Ollie getting the shaft again?
Then, there's the paranoia that I'm going to plan for a nice family Thanksgiving that no one will show up for. Karen venomously defends our brother as if I was in the wrong for being harassed, threatened, and cut off by him. I was "wrong" to tell him that his lies and fantasies were indicative of mental illness and that he should talk to someone about them. He's a narcissist, so of course he got all over-the-top mean and violent. And then everyone blamed me. Karen is in the realm of thinking that I'm a horrible bitch for not lying down for Jon and she takes it out on Gabriel. My god, who doesn't take shit out on Gabe???
Anyway, I am thinking that Karen will try and get my mother to spend the holiday with Jon and Patsy instead.
So, I think I'm depressed. I binged Monday and had diarrhea the whole next day. Wednesday, I ate properly, but still had overwhelming guilt that I had somehow binged. I wonder if it';s because one of the foods I ate is a trigger food (although I ate a normal portion and then threw the rest out). Addiction married with guilt and anger is a crazy life to live.
