My mother bought everything on my oldest son's Amazon wish list. EVERYTHING. We are to dole the items out for his upcoming birthday and Solstice/Christmas. This has saved us tons of money as he's pretty much done for holiday shopping. And he'll be happy as hell.
I tripped over the box as I was putting trash out tonight. On top was the cereal-box small package that we had ordered him. We spent $25 on him and that was a huge sacrifice. The massive box beneath was from my mom. I knew it was coming. She'd said that she was going to buy it all, but something in me didn't believe her.
I opened that box. I cussed and laughed. I cussed and cried. I cried and felt sick. I have no one to tell. Everyone has there ideas of what I should think of my mother. I don't. Is this overcompensation because of Karen's lost children? Is this her trying to make up for shitty childhoods? Hers and mine. Is this just her way of saying she misses us? I know this was not an easy purchase for her. Especially after giving us $750 to get the Subaru inspected.
I don't know what to feel. I'm feeling everyting. An urge to forgive and love as hard as I can. Sure. Guilt that we could never have made him happy without her help. Guilt that we're poor. Guilt that I can never fix him or make him hygienic or thin or smart or well. Guilt that we don't see my mother as often as we used to. Justin will be angry. He has it in his head that she favors Gabriel and treats his kids like crap. He's full of it. She drowns them in gifts and is always happy to see them.
I've binged until I was coughing up food for 3 days straight. Yesturday was a really good day. I was productive as all get out. Full day of homeschool, cooked proper meals, bathed the kids, chatted with Gabe, cleaned the house, and wrote a bit on my novel. I still had thirds at dinner though. I had to stop myself from putting a finger down my throat to clean the sin of it from my body. I think if I start purging, I won't stop and my teeth will fall out of my head. Today, I had plans to be just as gung-ho productive, but got off on the wrong foot. The Comcast guy was late installing the phone line, so I missed playgroup with the kids, and Justin yelled at the kids (embarrassing me in front of the phone dude), and the phone couldn't be hooked up in the right spot so now there are cables tacked to my doorframe (ugly, white trash looking). And then the router crashed for an hour and I was on the phone with Comcast while the kids screamed and threw food and the dog was barking. Ollie missed his nap and has now fallen asleep at 730pm. We got a shut off notice for garbage service..... and the day was trashed. So we didn't hike, or read poetry at dinner, or cook pancakes together, or do any school today. My mood was sunk. I didn't drink tonight, but I wanted to. I ate pretty average today, lighter than the past 3 days, but I still feel like crap. Dinner always does that to me. I feel bad when I eat dinner, as if it's a meal I'm not allowed to have. Maybe because it's always heavy: stews, casseroles, pasta, potatoes, thick cheese.... Maybe I should opt for a salad... but I know that I'll still sneak bites of the real dinner and end up feeling like I binged.... I wish I could shut the house down at 5pm and just forget about dinner. I'd love to be alone for like 4 hours straight then tuck the kids into bed with a kiss and play games on my phone or read a book until I passed out.
